Discovering I Have Borderline Personality Disorder

This article discusses depression, self-harm, and disordered eating. Consider not reading this if you feel triggered. 

Before last week, I have never heard about Borderline Personality Disorder or even considered diagnosing myself. But I have been openly talking about my feelings and how I constantly struggle with identifying myself as a person and accepting my personality. I get a lot of questions concerning it and I was prompted to write a post on my website titled “Paradox“.

At the time of publishing that post, I was so confused and uncertain about myself. I was dealing with my constant creation of a distorted self image, then to my irritable mood swings and isolation. 

I was losing interest in everything and everyone I cared about; I stopped doing the things I loved because I suddenly didn’t like doing them anymore. Sometimes, I will write about how sad I felt and how everyone around me was neglecting and ignoring me. To make matters worse, I was withdrawing from the people that really cared about me. 

I have always struggled with my body image even before 10. I have written a post about it as well on my blog. I was emotionally bullied in high school because of the way I looked. And at home, my family would make jokes about it too, laughing and talking about my insecurities. I started to go on diets; eating and consuming high calorie content meals to add weight. In many ways, I was punishing myself and trying to take control of my mind. 

Looking back at my childhood experiences, I remember that I grew up with little support from my parents. I was raised by different nannies, because my mother was a young student and my father lived in another state. The few times my parents were together, they never shared any sweet memories that I can remember. I guess that caused my constant feeling of abandonment.

I will be quoting some lines from my old post “Paradox” and reflecting on them. 

"I am a paradox. I want to be happy but I think of things that make me sad. I want to smile but I prefer to turn that smile upside down. I want to fill the room with my laughter but I constantly do things that makes me cry. When I deserve to cry, I try to laugh harder than I have ever laughed."

My constant mood swings and inability to deal with my emotions have always been a problem for me. I started working on myself in eleventh grade, carefully trying to understand my feelings and why I would lash out for a very minor issue and ignore a major one. I had no control over my emotions. They could switch at any time and sometimes, I knew that I was getting angry for nothing but I couldn’t stop myself. My mother would often say that I am so bitter with myself and I am always walking around filled with rage for everyone.  Whenever I felt deeply troubled, I would write or read a book to distract myself. Books and writing was my therapy. They provided a sense of comfort and support for me, allowing me to escape from the things that haunted me.

"I am a paradox. I say I don’t care but I do. I crave attention but reject it when it comes my way. I am faithful yet detached. I am committed, yet relaxed. I love everyone and yet no one."

I am unable to maintain relationships. I am easily attached to people, quick to love and accept them into my heart but also quick to push them away. I would do anything for the people I call my friends but one wrong move and I would shut them out of my life. I had a very minor argument with my best friend and this lasted for three months. I couldn’t take any graduation pictures with her because I was angry with not only her but myself. I also couldn’t see what was my offense and how to address the issue. I am someone who would talk to you endlessly for three days and never speak to you again. 

I often wonder if the people around me ever considered me to be abnormal or mentally unstable because looking back at my life, I do realize how much help I needed. 


Getting Self Diagnosed

Before you say I need to see a therapist to fully diagnose bpd, I would like you to know that I have been struggling with these feelings I described for years. Borderline personality disorder can be easy or hard to diagnose but in my case, I think it is pretty obvious. 

Like I mentioned earlier, I recently discovered what a borderline personality disorder is. It actually started with a tiktok video. I was online, watching videos on Tiktok by 2:00am in the morning when a video popped up on my fyp. It was a lady talking about the traits and characteristics of someone who has a borderline personality disorder. I was intrigued because I have never heard about such a disorder and the “borderline” really made it seem extreme. While watching the video, I instantly recognized these traits and slowly realized that I had exhibited almost all of them.  

Immediately, I began to make my research. I watched a couple of other videos, read a lot of articles on google before coming to the conclusion that I have borderline personality disorder. 

I cried for several minutes. All my life, I have felt this hole in my heart. Like I was a bottomless pit sucking life out of everyone and filled with nothing but emptiness. Sometimes, I would think I am just a cruel, mean person. A girl who didn’t deserve to be happy and that is why the universe has decided to punish me. I remembered the countless things I did to keep people in my life. The desperate actions I took that only made me look scary and impossible to deal with. I remembered my friends calling me an attention seeking person, but I only needed help. I needed that hole in my heart to be filled. Yes, there is something wrong with me but I now know that I am not cruel or mentally unstable. There is no cure for Borderline Personality Disorder but I can eventually learn how to deal with it and live a better life. 

I reached out to an expert I found on Google and sent an email to her. She replied yesterday and confirmed that I need to seek professional help. But something she said captivated me. 

She said that I have always known that something was wrong with me. And from the way I described my recent activities, she said that I have also started to deal with my bpd by slowly accepting that I cannot please everyone and have decided to be alone. And that is in fact true. 

For the past six months of this year, I have been alone. I suffered severely in February, losing someone I really loved and I lost myself. After he left, I discovered that I had completely changed myself for him. I had changed my likes, dislikes, character and even my taste in music so I could be wanted. This led me to give up on everything. I focused on myself and decided to do the things I loved again. It has been hard especially with the recent developments and my relationship with my mother. This year, I have been struggling a lot with my emotions. I have become my mental therapist, trying so hard to defeat my mind. 

I published my book titled “Let Your Mind Speak” this month as well. It is a book of poetry that is supposed to help those who are struggling with accepting and expressing themselves. I have always known my problems but never really worked hard enough to try to solve them. 

She added that I am in a phase that is really helpful because I am open to deal with my problems. She said that I am working on myself the best way I can and all I need is a good therapist to help me out. I am in that phase of discovering who I am and what I want to do. 

I have always been scared of being alone, but this year, I have been alone. Loving and doing the things I really want to do. It feels good and restorative. 

However, I have also had the most self-sabotaging thoughts and ideas this year. I have acted out of impulse on several occasions, frequently losing control of myself. I still need help and I am so happy to get help. My diagnoses have shown me the steps to take and how to start working on myself. 

I have shared this post because I know they are a lot of people who are struggling with accepting a personality disorder or going through a tough time and need help. You are not alone. I am here. I will continue to share my experience and the steps I am taking to be a better person and live a better life.  And I hope that can help you with your own issues.

If you have also been recently diagnosed with bpd, this is a safe space to encourage people who are scared to confront themselves. 

I know they are going to be good and bad days on this journey of mine but I am ready to work on myself. I know that it will get better someday. I know I deserve to experience internal peace. I know I deserve to be happy. 

Thank you for reading so far. Be kind!

Life

The beautiful thing about life is that you can always change, grow and get better. You aren’t defined by your past.You aren’t your mistakes.

There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind. Don’t wait for things to get better. Life will always be complicated. Learn to be happy right now, otherwise you’ll run out of time. You don’t need a reason for doing everything in your life. Do it because you want to. Because it’s fun. Because it makes you happy. If you don’t like your story, you have the power to rewrite it.

It may take a month, a year, or a decade. But if you want it bad enough, you’ll make it happen.

It’s not about winning the race always, sometimes it’s all about making it to the finishing line. Always remember the days you prayed for the things you have now. If you look at what you have in life, you’ll always have more. If you look at what you don’t have in life, you’ll never have enough. A life without challenge would be like going to school without lessons to learn. Be strong when you are weak, brave when you are scared, and humble when you are victorious. When life is sweet, say thank you and celebrate. And when life is bitter, say thank you and grow.

Don’t listen to society, because 98% of society is average and poor.

It’s funny how people judge other’s mistakes while they also do the same thing. The worst thing you can do to yourself is judge yourself through the eyes of others. Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them. Never forget who ignored you when you needed them and who helped you before you even had to ask. This journey is yours, take charge of it. Stop giving other people the power to shape your life. Not every person is going to understand you and that’s okay. They have a right to their opinion and you have every right to ignore it.

In the end, only three things matter; how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.

Everybody has gone through something that has changed them in a way that they could never go back to the person they once were. Change is hard at the beginning, messy in the middle, gorgeous at the end. I never knew how strong I was until I had to forgive someone who wasn’t sorry, and accept an apology I never received. Show respect even to people who don’t deserve it; not as a reflection of their character, but as a reflection of yours. Do all the good you can, to as many people as you can, as often as you can. Be in love with your life. Every minute of it.

I hope this post was helpful to you. You need to know Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right and forget about the ones that don’t. Always try to help someone. You might be the only one that does. Always smile more than you cry, always give more than you take, and always love more than you hate.

Because in the end, what I can truly say is:

Inhale the future. Exhale the past.

©Anna.

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Teach Others How To Treat You

You Teach Others How To Treat You By What You Allow, What You Stop And What You Reinforce.

Tony Gaskins

You silently teach others how to treat you by how you treat yourself. Move yourself up your priority list immediately. Make yourself your priority. At the end of the day, you are your longest priority. The one thing you can control is how you treat yourself and that one thing can change everything. You can’t always expect others to treat you right but you can treat yourself right. The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others. Life becomes good when you become good to yourself as you are to others. It’s not selfish, it’s called self love.

Be careful what you tolerate, you are teaching people how to treat you. You can’t force people to respect you but you can refuse to tolerate their disrespect. The more chances you give someone, the less respect they start to have for you. They will begin to ignore the standards you have set because they know another chance will be given to them. They are not afraid to lose you because they know that no matter what, you won’t walk away. They get comfortable depending on your forgiveness. Never let a person get comfortable disrespecting you. Don’t tolerate disrespect, even from yourself.

You are not in this world to live up to anyone’s expectations. Live for yourself, for your dreams, for your happiness. You are you and that’s what matters. You are not here merely to make a living, you are here in order to enable the world live more amply, with a greater vision, with a finer spirit of hope and achievement. You are here to enrich the world and you impoverish yourself if you forget that errand. Don’t blame people for disappointing you, blame yourself for expecting too much from them. Be positive, stay happy and don’t let the negativity of this world get you down.


Inspiration

My boyfriend treats me like trash. He disconnects my call intentionally and ignores me. He always makes me feel worthless. I've told this to him. But he repeats the same. How can I overcome this?

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