This article discusses depression, self-harm, and disordered eating. Consider not reading this if you feel triggered.
Before last week, I have never heard about Borderline Personality Disorder or even considered diagnosing myself. But I have been openly talking about my feelings and how I constantly struggle with identifying myself as a person and accepting my personality. I get a lot of questions concerning it and I was prompted to write a post on my website titled “Paradox“.
At the time of publishing that post, I was so confused and uncertain about myself. I was dealing with my constant creation of a distorted self image, then to my irritable mood swings and isolation.
I was losing interest in everything and everyone I cared about; I stopped doing the things I loved because I suddenly didn’t like doing them anymore. Sometimes, I will write about how sad I felt and how everyone around me was neglecting and ignoring me. To make matters worse, I was withdrawing from the people that really cared about me.
I have always struggled with my body image even before 10. I have written a post about it as well on my blog. I was emotionally bullied in high school because of the way I looked. And at home, my family would make jokes about it too, laughing and talking about my insecurities. I started to go on diets; eating and consuming high calorie content meals to add weight. In many ways, I was punishing myself and trying to take control of my mind.
Looking back at my childhood experiences, I remember that I grew up with little support from my parents. I was raised by different nannies, because my mother was a young student and my father lived in another state. The few times my parents were together, they never shared any sweet memories that I can remember. I guess that caused my constant feeling of abandonment.
I will be quoting some lines from my old post “Paradox” and reflecting on them.
"I am a paradox. I want to be happy but I think of things that make me sad. I want to smile but I prefer to turn that smile upside down. I want to fill the room with my laughter but I constantly do things that makes me cry. When I deserve to cry, I try to laugh harder than I have ever laughed."
My constant mood swings and inability to deal with my emotions have always been a problem for me. I started working on myself in eleventh grade, carefully trying to understand my feelings and why I would lash out for a very minor issue and ignore a major one. I had no control over my emotions. They could switch at any time and sometimes, I knew that I was getting angry for nothing but I couldn’t stop myself. My mother would often say that I am so bitter with myself and I am always walking around filled with rage for everyone. Whenever I felt deeply troubled, I would write or read a book to distract myself. Books and writing was my therapy. They provided a sense of comfort and support for me, allowing me to escape from the things that haunted me.
"I am a paradox. I say I don’t care but I do. I crave attention but reject it when it comes my way. I am faithful yet detached. I am committed, yet relaxed. I love everyone and yet no one."
I am unable to maintain relationships. I am easily attached to people, quick to love and accept them into my heart but also quick to push them away. I would do anything for the people I call my friends but one wrong move and I would shut them out of my life. I had a very minor argument with my best friend and this lasted for three months. I couldn’t take any graduation pictures with her because I was angry with not only her but myself. I also couldn’t see what was my offense and how to address the issue. I am someone who would talk to you endlessly for three days and never speak to you again.
I often wonder if the people around me ever considered me to be abnormal or mentally unstable because looking back at my life, I do realize how much help I needed.
Getting Self Diagnosed
Before you say I need to see a therapist to fully diagnose bpd, I would like you to know that I have been struggling with these feelings I described for years. Borderline personality disorder can be easy or hard to diagnose but in my case, I think it is pretty obvious.
Like I mentioned earlier, I recently discovered what a borderline personality disorder is. It actually started with a tiktok video. I was online, watching videos on Tiktok by 2:00am in the morning when a video popped up on my fyp. It was a lady talking about the traits and characteristics of someone who has a borderline personality disorder. I was intrigued because I have never heard about such a disorder and the “borderline” really made it seem extreme. While watching the video, I instantly recognized these traits and slowly realized that I had exhibited almost all of them.
Immediately, I began to make my research. I watched a couple of other videos, read a lot of articles on google before coming to the conclusion that I have borderline personality disorder.
I cried for several minutes. All my life, I have felt this hole in my heart. Like I was a bottomless pit sucking life out of everyone and filled with nothing but emptiness. Sometimes, I would think I am just a cruel, mean person. A girl who didn’t deserve to be happy and that is why the universe has decided to punish me. I remembered the countless things I did to keep people in my life. The desperate actions I took that only made me look scary and impossible to deal with. I remembered my friends calling me an attention seeking person, but I only needed help. I needed that hole in my heart to be filled. Yes, there is something wrong with me but I now know that I am not cruel or mentally unstable. There is no cure for Borderline Personality Disorder but I can eventually learn how to deal with it and live a better life.
I reached out to an expert I found on Google and sent an email to her. She replied yesterday and confirmed that I need to seek professional help. But something she said captivated me.
She said that I have always known that something was wrong with me. And from the way I described my recent activities, she said that I have also started to deal with my bpd by slowly accepting that I cannot please everyone and have decided to be alone. And that is in fact true.
For the past six months of this year, I have been alone. I suffered severely in February, losing someone I really loved and I lost myself. After he left, I discovered that I had completely changed myself for him. I had changed my likes, dislikes, character and even my taste in music so I could be wanted. This led me to give up on everything. I focused on myself and decided to do the things I loved again. It has been hard especially with the recent developments and my relationship with my mother. This year, I have been struggling a lot with my emotions. I have become my mental therapist, trying so hard to defeat my mind.
I published my book titled “Let Your Mind Speak” this month as well. It is a book of poetry that is supposed to help those who are struggling with accepting and expressing themselves. I have always known my problems but never really worked hard enough to try to solve them.
She added that I am in a phase that is really helpful because I am open to deal with my problems. She said that I am working on myself the best way I can and all I need is a good therapist to help me out. I am in that phase of discovering who I am and what I want to do.
I have always been scared of being alone, but this year, I have been alone. Loving and doing the things I really want to do. It feels good and restorative.
However, I have also had the most self-sabotaging thoughts and ideas this year. I have acted out of impulse on several occasions, frequently losing control of myself. I still need help and I am so happy to get help. My diagnoses have shown me the steps to take and how to start working on myself.
I have shared this post because I know they are a lot of people who are struggling with accepting a personality disorder or going through a tough time and need help. You are not alone. I am here. I will continue to share my experience and the steps I am taking to be a better person and live a better life. And I hope that can help you with your own issues.
If you have also been recently diagnosed with bpd, this is a safe space to encourage people who are scared to confront themselves.
I know they are going to be good and bad days on this journey of mine but I am ready to work on myself. I know that it will get better someday. I know I deserve to experience internal peace. I know I deserve to be happy.
Thank you for reading so far. Be kind!