Discovering I Have Borderline Personality Disorder

This article discusses depression, self-harm, and disordered eating. Consider not reading this if you feel triggered. 

Before last week, I have never heard about Borderline Personality Disorder or even considered diagnosing myself. But I have been openly talking about my feelings and how I constantly struggle with identifying myself as a person and accepting my personality. I get a lot of questions concerning it and I was prompted to write a post on my website titled “Paradox“.

At the time of publishing that post, I was so confused and uncertain about myself. I was dealing with my constant creation of a distorted self image, then to my irritable mood swings and isolation. 

I was losing interest in everything and everyone I cared about; I stopped doing the things I loved because I suddenly didn’t like doing them anymore. Sometimes, I will write about how sad I felt and how everyone around me was neglecting and ignoring me. To make matters worse, I was withdrawing from the people that really cared about me. 

I have always struggled with my body image even before 10. I have written a post about it as well on my blog. I was emotionally bullied in high school because of the way I looked. And at home, my family would make jokes about it too, laughing and talking about my insecurities. I started to go on diets; eating and consuming high calorie content meals to add weight. In many ways, I was punishing myself and trying to take control of my mind. 

Looking back at my childhood experiences, I remember that I grew up with little support from my parents. I was raised by different nannies, because my mother was a young student and my father lived in another state. The few times my parents were together, they never shared any sweet memories that I can remember. I guess that caused my constant feeling of abandonment.

I will be quoting some lines from my old post “Paradox” and reflecting on them. 

"I am a paradox. I want to be happy but I think of things that make me sad. I want to smile but I prefer to turn that smile upside down. I want to fill the room with my laughter but I constantly do things that makes me cry. When I deserve to cry, I try to laugh harder than I have ever laughed."

My constant mood swings and inability to deal with my emotions have always been a problem for me. I started working on myself in eleventh grade, carefully trying to understand my feelings and why I would lash out for a very minor issue and ignore a major one. I had no control over my emotions. They could switch at any time and sometimes, I knew that I was getting angry for nothing but I couldn’t stop myself. My mother would often say that I am so bitter with myself and I am always walking around filled with rage for everyone.  Whenever I felt deeply troubled, I would write or read a book to distract myself. Books and writing was my therapy. They provided a sense of comfort and support for me, allowing me to escape from the things that haunted me.

"I am a paradox. I say I don’t care but I do. I crave attention but reject it when it comes my way. I am faithful yet detached. I am committed, yet relaxed. I love everyone and yet no one."

I am unable to maintain relationships. I am easily attached to people, quick to love and accept them into my heart but also quick to push them away. I would do anything for the people I call my friends but one wrong move and I would shut them out of my life. I had a very minor argument with my best friend and this lasted for three months. I couldn’t take any graduation pictures with her because I was angry with not only her but myself. I also couldn’t see what was my offense and how to address the issue. I am someone who would talk to you endlessly for three days and never speak to you again. 

I often wonder if the people around me ever considered me to be abnormal or mentally unstable because looking back at my life, I do realize how much help I needed. 


Getting Self Diagnosed

Before you say I need to see a therapist to fully diagnose bpd, I would like you to know that I have been struggling with these feelings I described for years. Borderline personality disorder can be easy or hard to diagnose but in my case, I think it is pretty obvious. 

Like I mentioned earlier, I recently discovered what a borderline personality disorder is. It actually started with a tiktok video. I was online, watching videos on Tiktok by 2:00am in the morning when a video popped up on my fyp. It was a lady talking about the traits and characteristics of someone who has a borderline personality disorder. I was intrigued because I have never heard about such a disorder and the “borderline” really made it seem extreme. While watching the video, I instantly recognized these traits and slowly realized that I had exhibited almost all of them.  

Immediately, I began to make my research. I watched a couple of other videos, read a lot of articles on google before coming to the conclusion that I have borderline personality disorder. 

I cried for several minutes. All my life, I have felt this hole in my heart. Like I was a bottomless pit sucking life out of everyone and filled with nothing but emptiness. Sometimes, I would think I am just a cruel, mean person. A girl who didn’t deserve to be happy and that is why the universe has decided to punish me. I remembered the countless things I did to keep people in my life. The desperate actions I took that only made me look scary and impossible to deal with. I remembered my friends calling me an attention seeking person, but I only needed help. I needed that hole in my heart to be filled. Yes, there is something wrong with me but I now know that I am not cruel or mentally unstable. There is no cure for Borderline Personality Disorder but I can eventually learn how to deal with it and live a better life. 

I reached out to an expert I found on Google and sent an email to her. She replied yesterday and confirmed that I need to seek professional help. But something she said captivated me. 

She said that I have always known that something was wrong with me. And from the way I described my recent activities, she said that I have also started to deal with my bpd by slowly accepting that I cannot please everyone and have decided to be alone. And that is in fact true. 

For the past six months of this year, I have been alone. I suffered severely in February, losing someone I really loved and I lost myself. After he left, I discovered that I had completely changed myself for him. I had changed my likes, dislikes, character and even my taste in music so I could be wanted. This led me to give up on everything. I focused on myself and decided to do the things I loved again. It has been hard especially with the recent developments and my relationship with my mother. This year, I have been struggling a lot with my emotions. I have become my mental therapist, trying so hard to defeat my mind. 

I published my book titled “Let Your Mind Speak” this month as well. It is a book of poetry that is supposed to help those who are struggling with accepting and expressing themselves. I have always known my problems but never really worked hard enough to try to solve them. 

She added that I am in a phase that is really helpful because I am open to deal with my problems. She said that I am working on myself the best way I can and all I need is a good therapist to help me out. I am in that phase of discovering who I am and what I want to do. 

I have always been scared of being alone, but this year, I have been alone. Loving and doing the things I really want to do. It feels good and restorative. 

However, I have also had the most self-sabotaging thoughts and ideas this year. I have acted out of impulse on several occasions, frequently losing control of myself. I still need help and I am so happy to get help. My diagnoses have shown me the steps to take and how to start working on myself. 

I have shared this post because I know they are a lot of people who are struggling with accepting a personality disorder or going through a tough time and need help. You are not alone. I am here. I will continue to share my experience and the steps I am taking to be a better person and live a better life.  And I hope that can help you with your own issues.

If you have also been recently diagnosed with bpd, this is a safe space to encourage people who are scared to confront themselves. 

I know they are going to be good and bad days on this journey of mine but I am ready to work on myself. I know that it will get better someday. I know I deserve to experience internal peace. I know I deserve to be happy. 

Thank you for reading so far. Be kind!

Life

The beautiful thing about life is that you can always change, grow and get better. You aren’t defined by your past.You aren’t your mistakes.

There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind. Don’t wait for things to get better. Life will always be complicated. Learn to be happy right now, otherwise you’ll run out of time. You don’t need a reason for doing everything in your life. Do it because you want to. Because it’s fun. Because it makes you happy. If you don’t like your story, you have the power to rewrite it.

It may take a month, a year, or a decade. But if you want it bad enough, you’ll make it happen.

It’s not about winning the race always, sometimes it’s all about making it to the finishing line. Always remember the days you prayed for the things you have now. If you look at what you have in life, you’ll always have more. If you look at what you don’t have in life, you’ll never have enough. A life without challenge would be like going to school without lessons to learn. Be strong when you are weak, brave when you are scared, and humble when you are victorious. When life is sweet, say thank you and celebrate. And when life is bitter, say thank you and grow.

Don’t listen to society, because 98% of society is average and poor.

It’s funny how people judge other’s mistakes while they also do the same thing. The worst thing you can do to yourself is judge yourself through the eyes of others. Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them. Never forget who ignored you when you needed them and who helped you before you even had to ask. This journey is yours, take charge of it. Stop giving other people the power to shape your life. Not every person is going to understand you and that’s okay. They have a right to their opinion and you have every right to ignore it.

In the end, only three things matter; how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.

Everybody has gone through something that has changed them in a way that they could never go back to the person they once were. Change is hard at the beginning, messy in the middle, gorgeous at the end. I never knew how strong I was until I had to forgive someone who wasn’t sorry, and accept an apology I never received. Show respect even to people who don’t deserve it; not as a reflection of their character, but as a reflection of yours. Do all the good you can, to as many people as you can, as often as you can. Be in love with your life. Every minute of it.

I hope this post was helpful to you. You need to know Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right and forget about the ones that don’t. Always try to help someone. You might be the only one that does. Always smile more than you cry, always give more than you take, and always love more than you hate.

Because in the end, what I can truly say is:

Inhale the future. Exhale the past.

©Anna.

Want To Share A Problem With Me?Start Here.

Moving On #1

Hello My Dear Readers,

I guess it’s been a while. Well, I’m temporarily back and I have lots and lots of emails to attend to. I have decided to summarize or group similar problems in one post so that I can attend to all the emails within a short time.

The title of this post is “Moving On” and this post would have 3 parts which I would post daily. As usual, no information on this blog will reveal any personal detail about anyone. Your Problems Are Safe With Me…


“Everyday gets harder because I can’t learn to get over the things I did in the past”

~ Anonymous To Anna….

Anna: Letting go doesn’t mean giving up… it means moving on. It is one of the hardest things a person can do. Starting at birth, we grasp on to anything we can get our hands on, and hold on as if we will cease to exist when we let go. We feel that letting go is giving up, quitting, and that as we all know is cowardly. But as we grow older we are forced to change our way of thinking. We are forced to realize that letting go means accepting things that cannot be. It means maturing and moving on, no matter how hard you have to fight yourself to do so… Moving On has allowed me to know who I am and to be present in all that I do. I take this forward in my life and in my personal relationships. It is a powerful program and I highly recommend it to anyone wanting to move on with their life. Moving on is a simple thing, what it leaves behind is hard. Don’t ruin a good today by thinking about a bad yesterday. Let it go. Let your past make you better, not bitter.

I wish I could go back and change my decisions. I wish I could become the person I have always wanted to become.”

Anonymous

Sharing her story with me, I realized that this particular individual was going through a lot of pain because she couldn’t forgive herself. It’s one thing to move on, it’s another thing to forgive yourself. Often, the thought of pain is actually worse that the pain itself. Quietly forgiving yourself and moving on is a gift to God and yourself. To be able to move on, one has to learn to forgive not only the person (or people) who have done one wrong but also oneself. What’s the point of pointing the finger, other than to stall your own progress in moving on? You are responsible for your life. You can’t keep blaming somebody else for your problems either. Life is really about moving on. There are 3 steps to move on. CTRL + ALT + DEL. Control yourself, look for an alternate solution, and delete the situation that hurts you. Forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness but because you deserve peace because to heal a wound, you need to stop touching it.

The people We Often Trust Betray Us The Most. I Have Trusted With All My Heart In The Past And I Was Broken. I Finally Found Peace And He Has Broken Me As Well. Anna, What Can I Do?

Anonymous

Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you’ve never met. People change for two main reason : Either their minds have been opened or their hearts have been broken. The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly. The greater the love, the greater the tragedy when it’s over. BUT Sometimes the strongest people are the ones who love beyond all faults, cry behind closed doors and fight battles that nobody knows about. You are unique, Don’t date people who treat you like you aren’t. A break up is like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself trying to fix it. The hardest thing is to hurt yourself for the sake of others’ happiness. Don’t ask why someone keep hurting you. Ask yourself why you’re allowing them. Breaking up is not a stupid thing; instead it makes you a better person and realize your mistakes. Deep down you know it’s best for yourself, but you hate the thought of him being with someone else BUT happiness is the best revenge!!! If your love does not work with that person, it just means that someone else loves you more. Take it and move on!!


Always aim high, work hard, and care deeply about what you believe in. When you stumble, keep faith. When you’re knocked down, get right back up. And never listen to anyone who says you can’t or shouldn’t go on. Sometimes It’s better to be alone because No one can hurt you. The problem is women think he will change, he won’t. And men make the mistake of thinking she will never leave, she will.Nothing is more beautiful than the smile that has struggled through the tears. Be happy with the little you have. There are some people with nothing who still manage to smile. Smiling is the best way to face every problem, to crush every fear, to hide every pain. Some people are going to leave, but that’s not the end of your story. That’s the end of their part in your story. It’s ok if you fall down and lose your spark. Just make sure that when you get back up. You rise as the whole damn fire. Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places. A life without suffering is a life without happiness. Because nothing lasts forever, you better live in the moment.

Worry less. Smile more. Listen carefully. Take responsibility. Accept what you can’t change. Embrace the lessons. Love your life. Move On.

©Anna.